Open Marriage.

I have recently been given permission by my husband to take a lover.
I’m not sure how to do this open relationship thing.
I understand that there are rules, both spoken and unspoken, and that most importantly, discretion is of utmost importance, but I’m still unsure how I should go about this, in order to create the least amount of problems.

There is a back story to this of course.
I have been with the same man monogamously for ten years. A wonderful, amazing man, who loves me very much. Loves me enough to green-light me getting a boyfriend. I know it can’t be easy for him to imagine his wife getting pounded by another man. He got prostate cancer about four years ago, and it has rendered him impotent, and (apparently) unable to give me any sexual or emotional attention whatsoever.

I had always told him that if he became impotent, I would seek a lover, (words I have later come to regret). They say that prostate cancer is a couples disease, there are so many side effects from the disease. I know that he is the primary sufferer here, and I know I being whiny and self absorbed here, but sometimes I feel like we women are the collateral damage. From what I have read, and other women I have talked to, I think women suffer from the effects of PC almost as much as men. The reality is, I am damn lucky to have him still here, I do love him and I know he loves me, and our four beautiful children.

Our relationship has recently, become strained to the point of breaking, and a lot of it is resentments, which I know are premeditated expectations. I am expecting my happiness to be fulfilled by him, and even though he has told me for a few years that I am free to find a lover, I haven’t. For a variety of reasons I have not. I experimented with putting an add on the internet, and within an hour I had over 100 responses and it freaked me out so I pulled the add. Other reasons I hesitated is trust of course, I don’t actually want a meaningless fling with a stranger. I guess what I want is something beyond sex, but still something he is unwilling/unable to provide for me. Partly emotional closeness and intimacy, and Loneliness, someone to talk with who will listen.

So, when I recently met up with Fred* an old lover from ten years ago, it was like a light had been turned on (literally and figuratively) inside me. I immediately knew that he and I would get together again. The energy between us when we made eye contact, and realized who each other was was fantastic. I have never felt anything like this before.

But, now that the opportunity is here, and real, I’m unsure how to go about this while causing a minimal of hurt to all parties, especially my husband. I asked him last week, I said I just wanted to be sure, to confirm that he was really OK with me finding someone. He again reiterated that yes he was OK with this. I then asked him a few days ago, how he would like me to go about it. Would he like me to sneak around behind his back in order to protect his feelings, would he like me to bring him home and do this here, (too creepy, not happening) or just be honest.

He said that of course he would like me to be honest. So after consulting my gay ex husband with whom I cheated on thirteen years ago, (he actually left me for a month, and when he went to move back in, I had already moved someone into my bedroom, so I allowed Ex-Hubby to sleep on the couch. That lasted all of one week before Ex-Hubby chased lover out of the house with a machete) what he would like if he were in this position, he stated that he would like the honesty regarding place, time and possibly scenario, but leave out with whom.

So that’s what I told Hubby, is place and time, and whatever else would be gladly disclosed but with whom would remain secret because I didn’t want it to cause any problems with jealousy. Especially since both men are friends.

The reality is that this new guy and I have been sleeping together now for about three weeks, and it is damn amazing. Not just that the sex is marvelous, but the whole thing. I am a headstrong bull, I rush into things like it is a job that must be taken care of, and he is a slow, methodical premeditated lover. He has forced me, and allowed me to slow down and see so much more. But, now I have to tell Hubby about this, and I feel like a teenager telling her mother she is pregnant, (which I had to do 18 years ago) and I don’t know how to bring this up.

Counting my blessings.

I know I being whiny and self absorbed here.
Sometimes I feel like we women are the collateral damage. From what I have read, and other women I have talked to, I think women suffer more from the effects of PC than men.
Also, since most people are usually much older than myself when PC sticks its ugly head up, the issues of sex seem to be less of an issue for them, than it is for me, (in my early 30’s when this all started.)
The reality is, I am damn lucky to have him still here, I do love him and I know he loves me, and our four beautiful children.

Humility, or degrading?

I resent being put into the position of begging for sex it’s degrading, I feel that I have no dignity.
With my ex husband, he wouldn’t have sex with me, and I used to plead and manipulate. I knew at the time that my over response was only making things worse, but I couldn’t help it. After the marriage ended, I promised myself that I would not ever allow it to become that big of a deal, here I am come full circle.

When a man begs a woman for sex, it makes her feel wanted and beautiful. When we are forced to beg, it makes us feel like there must be something wrong with us (ugly).

What is lost, cannot be returned?

I am supposed to be going through my sexual prime, I think about sex more now than ever before, and I feel like it’s all being wasted. By the time I can, I won’t want to.

I’m actually allowing it to affect how I feel about myself.
I don’t feel pretty or worthwhile or anything. I have told him time and time again what a big deal this is to me, but he doesn’t care.
He goes to sleep like everything is OK, and seems to sleep like a baby.
Never once comes out to the couch where I usually sleep, and asks if everything is OK.

I realize that I can’t expect others to create my happiness, but the only way for me to create my own happiness would be to go out and find another lover, (which he as told me repeatedly to do) but I can’t do that. Not yet anyway. I resent him so much, sometimes I hate him for his complete lack of caring about my feelings. Resentments kill relationships, but when I try to talk with him about this, he pretends to listen, but continues to go on and do his own thing.

Independence.

I love watching my kids grow and become independent.
Watching DS4 today, going into the kitchen, grabs the instant oatmeal and a bowl, pours the oats into the bowl, carefully measures 1/2 cup of water, puts it into the microwave, pushes the quick-start button, after waiting for the time to finish he brings it to the table, then he measured out brown sugar and milk, put the sugar and milk away and ate it. I thought that was rather complicated for a four year old.
He is so strong willed like his father.

*note, DS4 = dear son # 4

Found this, a Womans Guide to Prostate Cancer

This is great, Women Against Prostate Cancer made available A Woman’s Guide to Prostate Cancer Treatment: Supporting the Man in Your Life.

This is a wonderful resource for women, prostate cancer affects not just the man, but the woman as well.

http://prostablog.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/womans_guide_to_pca_treatment.pdf

On the outside looking in.

It is amazing how old he looks and acts now. I tried telling that to someone recently, and they acted offended and stated, “Well of course he does, he has cancer!” I realize that, it wasn’t the point. The point is… I guess I don’t know what the point is, other than, when I got with him ten years and two months ago, he was not old. He was 44, he worked, we had great sex almost every day, he was funny and always took me places.

Now, he is 54, has long grey hair, a long old man beard, is always hunched over with some pain or another, never laughs, snaps at everything, and doesn’t want to go anywhere. He is content staying at home, watching TV, or tooling around in the yard.

Don’t get me wrong, he does a lot, certainly much more that I do, (he keeps the wood chopped fixes the cars, works in the yard, goes to the dumps once a week, helps the kids with their homework, helps take kids to appointments, helps out with the baby AND so much more) far more than any other man who would be with me. But… looking at my choices now, I think that if I ever find myself single again, I’m going to date someone my own age or younger. I have always been with much older men, so I have never dated anyone even close to my own age, I would like to find out what it is like. Then, I feel guilty for feeling this way. I’m supposed to be loving and supportive of him. He would never do this to me, I know that. He really is a wonderful man, is many ways.

I’m In my 30’s, in my sexual prime (right)? Yet we haven’t been together in almost a year, and he hasn’t touched me physically, other than hugging in over six months. I don’t know if it’s just because he won’t be with me, but I find myself thinking about it constantly. It is so frustrating. I wish I could just knock him in the head and tell him, “I love him, not his penis.” I need him to be with me. I think he is completely oblivious, unaware how he is pushing me away. I tell him, but I think he thinks I am just talking.

Never alone..

Sometimes I feel isolated by my age. I go to the VA with him, and I’m the youngest person in the urology department by half or more, and I try to talk to my girlfriends, and they say ignorant things like, “He can’t have sex? That’s horrible, I would NEVER go without sex!”  Or, “Why can’t he have sex, did they take his penis too?”

As long as he takes the medicine, his PSA is staying at undetectable levels, and we are working with the Dr’s at the V.A. to find some medicine to help him deal with the mood swings and depression from the Zolodex.

Intimacy lost.

I have been with him since 2000. He is a widower, whose wife had just passed, and I had just left my ex husband and father of my three oldest children. He is a bit older,  I being 25, and he was 45 when we got together, which was great. He was responsible, yet fun, and we share the same interests, and besides, the sex was phenomenal!

I did more with him that first summer we were together than I did with my ex the entire ten years I was with him. I left my ex because I got clean off of drugs and he wouldn’t, (and besides, he is gay). Most of our  first six years of our relationship we spent together, at the others house, but we still had our own homes to go back to.

Early 2006, I found out I was pregnant, and due in October, he was stunned but of course said he would stay with me no matter what. We moved in together, and had a beautiful baby boy, bringing our household up to six.

I knew when I dated someone 20 years older than I that well… age happens and eventually health issues would occur, but that is supposed to happen tomorrow, (so I figured anyway). So, when in the beginning of 2008, after mentioning getting up frequently in the nights to urinate, he went to the Dr’s, where he was eventually diagnosed with prostate cancer. (PSA 35, Gleason scale 8 outside of the lymph nodes,) we were both shocked. He was perfectly healthy, hadn’t been to the doctors since he got out of the military in the 80’s. He had a radical prostatectomy to deal with the problem. We have been coping with the effects since then.

He has been on the Zolodex  intermittently since early 2009, because without it, his PSA keeps wanting to rise up above 5. The side effects of the medication have been devastating for both of us. Hot flashes were just the beginning. Extreme fatigue, severe mood swings, anger, complete lack of interest in sex or intimacy. He tries to be a good provider to our 4 young kids, (two of them with Autism) he gets odd jobs here and there, he can’t work at his job anymore because it is too physical for him.

I am so struggling with the lack of intimacy, and his complete unwillingness to be with me in any way. I have told him repeatedly until I feel like a broken record that I need some physical contact.

I think he feel inadequate because he can’t use his “tool” so he doesn’t want to deal with it so he doesn’t have to think about it but he knows there are many other ways of being intimate with me than just intercourse. I recently told him that if he didn’t do something soon, it would be a deal breaker, so he told me to go and get a boyfriend.

That’s not what I want, I want him. If I have to find someone else, I’m going to leave him first, but then I feel bad leaving the father of my kids for something selfish like this.

Most of the time, we are fine. I love him, and when he is not tired or having hot flashes from the medicine, I enjoy being with him.
He goes out of his way to spend time with me and the kids, even dedicating this last weekend to going swimming with the kids and I.
It’s not until after dark that the night-time demons come out and fill my head with the anger, bitter resentment, and fear that so often seem to make my nights so long.

I know that, tonight I will go to bed, and when I wake up, for the day anyway this will all be a distant dream, but tonight I had to get this off of my chest.

I miss feeling pretty, and flirting, and having a reason to dress up.
Sometimes I feel like just wearing sweats and not even brushing my hair. I figure, who’s going to care, he certainly doesn’t.
I miss waking up with up against my back and his arm around me. I miss kissing him without getting a grimace of irritation.